Baby Loss Poetry

Grief

Grief feels like
A soft murmur that
Decides to whisper
In my ear all day long.

Until it starts screaming
Then it feels like Hell.

About This Pain

The Pain that visits me
Every once in a while,
The one that strangles my Heart
Until it bleeds out my Eyes.

The Pain that comes unexpected
In the most awkward of moments,
It comes to steal whatever joy
Is left inside my once naive Heart.

The Pain just shows up. Unannounced,
At my heart’s door. And pushes me back,
Where I cannot think straight, or move forward.
It just Is There. Everywhere. Like the sky.

Dear Grief:

Were you any weaker
I’d try and take you down.
But you are stronger than hell,
and bigger than the infinite sky.
You make me yours with a single glare.
I am powerless against you.
I am forever doomed
to have to let you Be.

Time

Beyond the distance that separates us, there is Love.

An Unbreakable Bond
That is Timeless.
Always and Forever.

I will keep you Close.
Until Time gives way
Into the Unknown, which I do not fear anymore… because it holds You both.

Happy Six Months in Heaven.

Heartache

This Grief comes in waves.
Of Pain, and Heartwrenching Desolation.

It comes in layers, so many unknown.
Surprised by the quickness of Change. In seconds.

Hurt. No matter how much time has passed.
Heartbroken in every sense of the word. Broken.

This Grief comes in waves.
A surge, a rush. Unrestrained.

Too Strong to be tamed, or repressed…
I free It. I have to.

Confusion. Meltdowns Everywhere.
I Crash, again and again into the same old pain. Familiar now.

I embrace it… I have no Choice but to Feel.

Somewhere

Just because you aren’t here,
Doesn’t mean you’re not Somewhere.
Just because you’re not in my arms
Doesn’t mean Someone isn’t holding you tight.
Right Now.

Just because I can’t see you,
Doesn’t mean I can’t feel you.
Just because I can’t touch you,
Doesn’t mean you don’t exist.

Everyday, every minute you are Somewhere…
Not only in my mind and heart.

Just because I can’t see your movements,
Doesn’t mean you are not dancing Somewhere.
Busy with things,
other than my hugs and kisses.
Clutching Someone else’s hand.
Listening to Other voices sing you to sleep
in Heaven.

Or Somewhere, close.
To my Heart.

Just because you aren’t here,
Doesn’t mean you’re not Somewhere.

I am

Learning to live
with the should be(s).

I should be raising twins.
They should be 10 months old.
They should be sleeping next to me.

The way I think is changed forever…
should be(s) everywhere
I look, and beyond.

The right here, right now is
tainted by what should be happening
because, I should be raising twins.

Instead I visit their grave,
I gaze upon their empty room,
imagine what could have been.

Remains

I do recall
Sweetness beyond
Anything.
Ever known.
Perfect living creations
Thrown into the abyss
Of Death.
By force of Nature.

Bring me to reality.
Help me comprehend
Your Absence.
You slipped away so sudden.
I weep.
You are a beautiful Truth
That lives on. My beautiful Truth.
That lives.
You rise above this pain.
Transcend this sorrow
You Remain.

Layers

Can’t tell what’s hiding behind
This Moment.
Don’t know what’s about to happen
Next Minute…

World collides in seconds,
Builds up again suddenly.
With no explanation.
I cannot predict which Layer is underneath.
Confused as to which direction each day takes me.
I follow, this patternless Grief.

I flow with what comes.
What It unexpectedly throws at me.
I feel like a leaf that’s tossed around.
One moment flying high,
The next crushed
By a passing stranger.

This Layer Peels Back,
The next one is waiting.
This Patternless Grief
Is here to Stay.

Inhale

So much Love hidden,
Underneath all these Layers
Of Anger and brand new guilt.
I turn to the sky and yell out
In pain and frustration, but
Nothing can bring them back
Here, to me.

I wait… unmoved
By Time.
Clenched fists,
short breaths,
red eyes.
I Wait in defense
Ready to pounce on
Whoever dares go near
My Hostile heart.

Wishing everyone knew,
Hoping they would understand
What lies underneath
This Anger. These layers of Pain.
Dig deep, and find more….
Look beyond, and Exhale.
It’s all Right.
It’s all Love.

Had You Still Life Within

Holding you
Would have meant
the world to me.

Had you still been warm.

Hugging you
Would have been a dream,
One I can only imagine.

Had you still life within.

I miss your souls
I long for your little bodies
Alive. Here. With me.

Not dead,
Not yesterday.
Not a memory.

This Home

In This Home
Inside of my Body
Where You once were
One with Me.

I miss you There.

This Home feels Empty
Without the kicks or smiles
I never got to see…
Without the heartbeats
I was longing to feel.

In This Home
Inside of my Body
Where You once were
One with Me.
What I felt then, became
All I will ever know of you.

I couldn’t miss you more
Inside this body.
I couldn’t miss you More
In these Arms.

Gone.
With all the Pain That Gone brings.

Emptiness in this body,
Emptiness in this home.

This new normal,
Old, too familiar Pain
Haunts this body, haunts this Home.
And It misses you both.
Every Single Day.

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