We Think We Have a Lifetime… Until We Don’t.

I must have been about 5 months pregnant when I told my husband I missed music. As a dance teacher I listen to music every single day for at least 5 or 6 hours a day. My husband had come in from teaching, which is also what he does, to play me some Bon Iver and talk to me about the classes. I listened close, it was like the music was getting under my skin and pouring into, soothing, my terrified heart. Tears were falling from my eyes as I could feel the twins move inside me, they probably wanted to dance too. I was in bed, I had been literally lying in bed for 5 months. That’s 150 days of getting up only to shower and go to the bathroom. I have worked from the time I was about 20 years old, so I thought lying in bed and having no muscle in my legs was so tough, and it was. It was a challenge, my pregnancy was so filled with threats, unknowns and fears. But I would have done anything anyone asked me to do for my boys. So bed rest it was, and I knew it would all be worth it in the end. I thought we had a lifetime together. Music? Dance? Love? We could do all that and more, I just thought we had a lifetime for it.

A lifetime of Love.

Little did I know that my pregnancy as hard as it seemed would pale in comparison to the years that followed without my two sons.

Had I only known how short our time together would be.

I would have played them more music, sang to them more. I would have told them I loved them out loud more. I would have held Gael in my arms while he was still alive. I should have held him all the time he was alive.

I thought we had a lifetime together and he only lived for 12 hours.

I held Noah inside of my body all of his life. He didn’t get to take a single breath of air. I was almost 27 weeks pregnant when he died. I could not believe I would never dance around with him, watch him move, open his eyes, smile.

I can still go to that painful moment when I close my eyes and listen to Bon Iver. I can still remember how my heart was being torn apart with fear day by day, But my faith kept me hoping. I was waiting for my lifetime. Hoping for something that would never be but always is.

We think we have a Lifetime, until we Don’t.

3 comentarios en “We Think We Have a Lifetime… Until We Don’t.

  1. hay Maripily, esos momentos… siempre he pensado que de haber sabido que iban a morir no hubiera dejado los transladaran al otro hospital donde estaba el UCIN, me los hubieran dejado conmigo para abrazarlos y disfrutar su corto tiempo de vida, si, pensamos que tenemos toda la vida y no….

    • Asi es, cuesta mucho no arrepentirse de tanto que pudimos haber hecho diferente. Y a la vez tenemos que perdonarnos porque en esos momentos tomar decisiones es… bueno ya ambas sabemos lo imposible que es saber que hacer. Nada lo prepara a uno para esto, un abrazo Fernanda.

  2. Yo también perdí a mi bebé hace 2 años ya, todos los días escuchaba esta canción y me daba mucha rabia no entender en ese momento por qué nos pasaba lo que nos pasaba a mí y a mi esposo, hasta que un día la escuché pidiéndole a Dios sabiduría y entendimiento, y eso me concedió. Entendí que no debía de cuestionar y de darle gracias a Dios por haberme elegido ser el hogar para mi bebé los meses que lo fui, y que siempre será nuestro pequeño gran angelito! Escucha esta canción atentamente si es que no la has escuchado ya. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBg9btpGqKU
    Jealous of the angels!
    FELICIDADES POR ESE NUEVO ANGELITO QUE VIENE A ILUMINAR MÁS TUS DÍAS!

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